


Pushing Through

by barryallen_flarrow



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s04e18 Lose Yourself, Episode: s04e19 Fury Rogue, F/M, Hurt Barry Allen, Oliver Queen Has Feelings, Protective Joe West, Sad Barry Allen, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2019-07-03 05:04:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15811965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barryallen_flarrow/pseuds/barryallen_flarrow
Summary: Barry's grieve was much harder to get through when he lost Ralph. How did Team Flash help him through it?**not finished and will never be finished. read at your own risk. there are only 3 completed chapters





	1. So it begins

Ralph didn't want to die, nor did he deserve it. He was just a rookie hero, not ready to leave and be taken over by Devoe. That's what went through Barry's mind over and over again after experiencing yet another one of his friends die, and it all being his fault. 

Even though no one could tell Barry how they felt, he knew. Barry was the whole reason Ralph died, he stopped him from killing Devoe, which was honestly the right move considering how overpowered Devoe was at this stage. 

Everyone tried to comfort Barry, first Iris, being his wife of course she felt like it was her duty to help him when he was hurting. But Barry would not let her in, or share his feelings, he just kept everything to himself. What really hurt Iris, was that Barry would never be at the loft, not even to sleep. If he were to sleep, which was a rare occasion, it would be at STAR Labs, no where else. 

Joe swooped in next, he and Barry were always able to share to each other, but Joe knew that Ralph's death was different. Every time Barry wasn't bust running around as the Flash or moping around STAR Labs Joe would try to get Barry to open up, starting with lines like "You know you can talk to me Bar" or "You gotta let someone in!" and Barry just responded with his go to line of "I'm fine" and he just walks away. 

Cisco knew if Barry couldn't open up to Iris or Joe, he definitely wouldn't open up to him, but it's worth a shot. So there Cisco was, walking down to the speed lab, where no one another than Barry Allen was sitting, ironically the same spot Ralph was killed. Cisco could clearly see tear streaks visible on Barry's face, but he chose not to address them immediately. 

"Um, hey man," Cisco started with, but he didn't get a reaction from Barry at all, not even an acknowledgment so he continued, "I know you're going through a tough time and all, but you weren't the only one who lost Ralph, we all did, and you don't see us barely sleeping and shutting everyone out," Cisco expressed, "You need to let someone in, it doesn't matter who, just someone, this is eating you up inside man!"

"I'm perfectly fine Cisco, I don't need to open up to someone, I've dealt with plenty of death in my life to know how to live with it," Barry replied with a shaky voice, which clearly didn't help his own argument. 

"Dude, listen to yourself, you're not alright, I can hear it in your voice that you have not dealt with what happened, you're barley holding in the tears right now. Please, please Barry, let me help you," Cisco argued with a strong yet comforting voice. 

"I CAN'T! I CAN'T LET SOMEONE IN!" Barry snapped, clearly fed up with everyone trying to talk to him in the past few days. 

Cisco was beyond shocked with Barry's sudden outburst. He had no answer to Barry's clear frustration. 

Barry immediately realized that we went to far based on Cisco's facial expression, as fed up as he was, Cisco was only trying to help. 

"Look, I'm sorry, I know you wanna help, and I know I've been distant and cold, it's just, I need to be right now," Barry whispered, voice full of sadness. 

"Okay, okay man, I understand, but we miss you, and what you're doing isn't healthy, you eat just enough food so you won't pass out, and barely get any sleep," Cisco explained carefully. 

"I'm fine, nothing has happened, it's all good," Barry reasoned. 

"Dude, it's not fine, none of this is fine, and no one expects you to be fine, no one here is. We're just asking you to take care of yourself, and let us in," Cisco said. 

As tired and hungry Barry was currently, he didn't deserve to take care of himself. Not after what happened, so with that Barry sped off to the cortex to get his suit so he could run without being noticed as Barry Allen to citizens. But he was stopped by a metahuman alert going off. Caitlin told them there was a metahuman attack at Central City Bank, and Barry raced right over.

When Barry arrived their was multiple scared citizens on the ground, but no metahuman. Barry was about to leave until he heard Cisco's voice yell. 

"DUDE! THE REPORTS SAY THE META CAN TURN INVISIBLE! WATCH OUT"

"Okay Cisco I'll keep a look ----"

Barry was cut off by the meta punching him from behind. Barry, having the speed he does, got up swiftly after being knocked down and returned a punch to the meta's face. But before he was able to deliver another to finally knock the meta unconscious, Barry suddenly was hit by a wave a dizziness. He stumbled backwards and eventually ended up on the ground.

Barry could fear the faint voices of him team yelling his name into his comms, but everything slowly just faded into black. 

Caitlin watched as Barry's vitals continued to fluctuate, she started yelling his name through the comms to find out what was happening, then she heard a thud. 

Without having to tell him, Cisco got on his vibe gear as quickly as possible and breached over to Central City Bank to see what happened. 

When the arrived, he saw multiple people crowded around something, or someone. He walked over to find that it was none other than the unconscious body of Barry. 

He cleared a path to Barry, hauled him into his arms, made a breach, then stepped in to pass his friend over to Caitlin. 

When Cisco breached back to STAR Labs, he saw Caitlin all decked out in her doctor attire to treat Barry. 

He carried Barry over to the Med-Bay, put him on the bed, and then backed up to give Caitlin space to work.

She began by taking off his suit to take his vitals, she let out a gasp as she noticed multiple bruises across his torso. She then realized the meta probably began beating Barry when he fell unconscious.

She then hooked him up to an IV because she saw how low his glucose levels were, that was the reason why he passed out.

She wrapped his mid section with bandages and left the rest to his healing abilities. Caitlin then walked out of the Med-Bay to update to team on Barry's condition before he wakes up.

"So what happened," Joe asked with concern.

"Barry didn't fall unconcious because of anything the meta did, he based due to his low glucose levels," Caitlin explained carefully.

"It was his fault?" Iris said, shocked.

"He not eating, not sleeping, he's running himself ragged," Cisco replied.

"We need to confront him once he wakes up, he might get himself killed if he keeps this up," Joe concluded.

On perfect cue of Joe's words, Barry began to stir from his bed in the Med-Bay. Everyone turned their heads towards the room after hearing Barry start to mumble things. 

"mmmm....m'sorry, I'm sorry....Ralph," Barry mumbled out, loud enough for everyone else to hear him. 

"Barry?" Iris questioned, trying to see if he was fully conscious. 

"Barry?" Caitlin tried as well, "Can you hear me?"

Barry slowly cracked his eyes open, but then closed them due to the extreme brightness of the lights. His friends awaited his awareness patiently, until finally Barry completely woke, his bright green eyes starring at them. 

"What happened," Barry asked slowly. 

"You passed out that's what happened Barry," Joe answered without a second thought. 

"Oh," Barry replied quietly. 

"Oh? Oh? That's all you have to say for yourself? You could've died, if I didn't save your ass. You were reckless by going out there and not have eaten enough. Are you that eager to join Ralph?" Cisco said bitterly

Everyone in the room, including Cisco, knew that bringing up Ralph right now was really going to piss off Barry, but Cisco really didn't care at this point. 

Barry got up from his bed, tore out his IV before Caitlin could protest and approached Cisco. 

"What did you just say?" Barry demanded. 

"You heard what I said," Cisco returned. 

Before anyone could step in and cool down this very heated argument, Barry punched Cisco square in the jaw. 

Joe, Caitlin, and Iris were so shocked by Barry's sudden rush of anger. Cisco, clearly was not because he returned with a vibe blast hitting Barry, and blasting him right against the wall. 

Barry was disoriented at first, but then he got up ready to speed punch Cisco. Before that could happen, Joe realized that Barry was going to come at Cisco full speed, so he ran in between them to block them from each other. 

Barry was so fed up with Cisco he didn't even feel bad for punching him. 

Cisco couldn't believe how this simple conversation turned into a fight between a viber and a speedster. 

"ENOUGH!" Joe shouted, "BOTH OF YOU."

"Seriously guys, this went way to far and you both know it," Iris tried to reason. 

"Whatever..." Barry mumbled under his breath, but loud enough for everyone to hear it. 

"Barry?! What has gotten into you? Ralph died, I'm sorry you feel responsible, but you gotta get your head out of your ass and get over what happened," Caitlin spat out, not really thinking. 

Before Caitlin could apologize, Barry sped out of the room.


	2. Oliver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hi! I have no clue how many chapters thing is going to be. I definitely have no clue where I want this to go, sorry if it turns out messy. 
> 
> My goal is to update this weekly. But if I have free time I'll do it more often. 
> 
> Anyways, enjoy! 
> 
> P.S. there is a mini arrow (I couldn't resist not doing flarrow) crossover in this chapter, but I won't be mentioning anything from arrow that relates to the time of the flash episodes around when Ralph died.

Barry ran, he ran as fast as he could. He didn't even know where he was going, all that mattered was that he was as far away from everyone as he could go. 

Maybe he should've stayed, talked, but they were all against him, trying to convince him that he needed help, which he didn't. Death was something that wasn't new for Barry. Everyone he cares about eventually leaves, and it's always his fault. Just like when Ralph died, his fault, clearly. 

Somehow Barry ended up in Star City. Which doesn't sound right because he was running for at least 10 minutes, and he can get to Star City in a couple minutes. Well, not really relevant, because he specifically ended up in the Arrow bunker, face to face with none other than Oliver Queen. 

"Barry?!? What are you doing here?" Oliver questioned, very surprised at his friends random entrance. To be honest, Oliver has been pretty bad at keeping in touch with Barry since the wedding and everything that followed. He had no idea what was even going on Barry, because there was always something going on, usually evil speedster that Barry had to deal with.  

"I......I um didn't mean to come here, I'm sorry," Barry breathed out. 

Without Barry even having to say much, Oliver saw immediately something was wrong. Barry had a heavy heart, but what could be so dire that he ran over to Star City instead of staying with his team. 

"What happened," Oliver asked with concern, afraid of the answer. 

"I don't think.....I never told you...but I was training a new superhero, Ralph, and he.....he..died recently," Barry explained, trying to keep his tears at bay. He was yet to cry with anyone around, usually he let his tears fall when he was alone, and it was late at night in STAR Labs. 

"I'm so sorry Barry, loosing a teammate is hard," Oliver spoke sincerely. He knew what it felt, he knew it to well. 

"But, it wasn't your fault Laurel died, it was completely my fault that Ralph died. He could've stopped devoe....killed devoe..but I told him not to, he died because he listened to me..." Barry barely finished before breaking into tears and full on bawling. 

Oliver felt so bad for Barry, he had no words to comfort Barry. Tired of already feeling useless, Oliver swooped in for a hug. He held Barry as he cried and cried into his shoulder. 

"It's okay Barry," Oliver whispered words of comfort. "You thought it was the right thing to do....shhhhh, no blames you"

"They.....they should," Sniffled Barry, "Everything is my fault....I think I'm doing the right thing in the moment, why do I never listen to anyone. I'm no hero. I'm no one but some weirdo who was struck by lightning and thought he could be a hero,"

Oliver was completely lost for words. He had no idea Barry felt this way, had such low self-esteem. How could Barry not see his self worth, how much he's done for Oliver and for everyone in Central City. 

"Barry come on, you know your important. Don't let a few mistakes in the past change you or how you think of yourself. We're human, just human, we all make mistakes. We all ask for forgiveness, and eventually we get it," Oliver comfortingly said. 

"I know....but no one is mad at me....why is no one mad at me for what happened?" Barry asked. "The team seem to be more mad at me for passing out and not sleeping then it being all my fault that their close friend is dead." Barry then realized maybe telling Oliver that he's not eating or sleeping wasn't the best idea. He could tell from Oliver's face he was about to lecture Barry. 

"Barry, tell me your not punishing yourself for Ralph's death by hurting yourself....come on man....first you tell me you ran away from Central City.....now your starving yourself," Oliver spoke with concern. 

"It's not like that Ollie...every time I close my eyes I.....I see Ralph. I don't want to keep seeing him, reminding me of how I failed him. And as for eating, I didn't mean to not eat enough, it was a mistake," Barry explained softly. 

"Damn right it was a mistake," Oliver said, a little more harsh then he intended it to be. "You have to take care of yourself, no matter what happened. I understand you not wanting to sleep, I've been in that same boat. But please eat, you need more calories than most people, you can't afford to skip a few meals,"

"I hear you, I wasn't being smart. But what should I do now? I can't possibly go back to my team yet," Questioned Barry with tears still in his eyes.  

"You can stay with me for a couple nights, not too many though, it's crazy here to and I wouldn't want you getting caught up in anything," Oliver offered. 

"Oh my gosh Ollie I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid I'm so sorry," Barry burst out. 

Oliver was so confused on why the kid just continuously was apologizing. Like what did he think he did wrong now? "Barry, what are you talking about," Oliver finally asked.

"I just dropped by. Not telling you I would, or even asking if you were free before I started to bother you with all my stupid problems. I'm so sorry. I'll find somewhere else to go, I don't want to take up anymore of your time," Quickly said Barry, before started to walk away.  

"Barry. Barry! Barry stop!" Oliver said, louder than his usual volume. "I want you to stay. I only came down her to train, which I probably get enough of, so don't worry about interrupting me down here,"

"Are you sure? Like I don't want to disturb your family time with Felicity and William and---" Barry was abruptly cut off by Oliver. 

"Barry! It's fine!" Oliver announced.  

"Okay, okay, thank you, thank you so much Ollie, I can't tell you how much this means to me!" Barry happily expressed. 

Barry and Oliver then proceeded to walk out of the bunker and head towards Oliver's house. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Have you found him yet," Joe impatiently asked Cisco. Barry has been gone a few hours, but they had no clue where he was. He was a speedster after all, he could be on the other side of the world right now. 

"Nothing, he must be laying low, nothing has come up on the satellites," Cisco explained. He felt partially guilty for Barry speeding off. Cisco did indeed escalate the situations, but he could still fix the problem that he made by finding Barry. 

Cisco felt his phone vibrate. He immediately checked to see if it was Barry, he disappointed to find that it was none other than Oliver Queen to text him. Oliver never texts him, and he decided it seemed pretty important, so he had to open it. 

"Hey Cisco, just wanted to let you know that Barry is with me. He gonna stay here for a couple days to figure everything out." it read. 

"GUYS! I know where Barry is!" Cisco exclaimed. 

"Well where is he Cisco?" Iris questioned. 

"Yeah your keeping us in suspense and I don't like it," Caitlin added in. 

"He's staying with Oliver in Star City," Cisco finally revealed.

"Well what's our plan? Are going to go get Barry or let him come back to us?" Presented Joe.

"Let's wait a bit before we make a decision. Hopefully Oliver can take care of Barry..." Solemnly said Iris. 


	3. How Are You Feeling?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!! So sorry I wasn't able to update last week, but here I am! Anyway, I am aware that this isn't the best story, commenting that will not make it any better. Enjoy!

"It's been 2 days Cisco! Shouldn't we try and contact Oliver again?" Caitlin asked, desperation in her voice. They all missed Barry, and we getting antsy with only a few words of confirmation that Barry was doing fine, as fine as he could be anyway. 

"Caitlin, what do you think is gonna happen? Some crazy dude that Team Arrow is facing is just gonna come out of nowhere and hurt Barry? He has all of Team Arrow with him," Cisco explained calmly, kind of annoyed with either Caitlin or Iris or Joe asking for an update on Barry every minute of the day. They were acting like Barry has never been held hostage by zoom and escaped, he can take care of himself, he has proved that in the last 4 years. 

"I'm sorry Cisco, but do you think you can vibe him? Maybe Oliver is lying and Barry is doing terribly!" Caitlin reasoned.

"Ugh fine, but only because now you are worrying me," Cisco finally admitted. 

Cisco put his vibe glasses on and focused his mind on the one and only Barry Allen. 

He could see Barry very clearly in the Arrow Cave hanging with Diggle and Felicity, laughing and making jokes. Probably watching the rest of Team Arrow as they are on the field, due to the lack of costumes in their cases. He then lost the vision and came back to the real world. 

"So? What did you see Cisco? How bad was it? Oh god please tell me!!" Caitlin quickly plead without giving Cisco anytime to answer. 

"Caitlin calm down! Jeez. If you gave me time to answer sooner, you would know that Barry is doing fine, more than fine. He looks happy, which we haven't seen him happy in a while," Cisco said, a slight smile coming in, he was glad Barry was getting better, it just made him sad that Team Flash wasn't able to provide that support.

"Are you sure? I really thought Barry was in trouble, like real trouble," Caitlin questioned with uncertainty. 

"Yes I am sure. But I think it's finally time for Barry to come home," Cisco announced.

"Um shouldn't Barry decide when he is ready," Iris imputed as her and Joe walked into the cortex. 

"Yeah I agree with Iris, last time we confronted Barry about his feelings he ran out of here," Joe voted. 

"But what if he never comes back? We can't let him push us away any further," Caitlin tried. 

"Okay fine, but if this situation gets worse, I'm blaming you two," Iris said. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Team Flash made their way over to Star City, ready to confront Barry on their opinions. No one of them really knew what to say to him. Should they apologize, be sympathetic, mad, disappointed? They were all so confused of how to approach Barry. 

Cisco texted Oliver to let him know that they were all coming to see Barry. Cisco also specifically requested Oliver not to tell Barry. The speedster would probably run as far as he could away from Star City if he knew they were coming. They couldn't risk that. 

Oliver texted Cisco saying that they were all in the Arrow Cave. The whole team. Which everyone found unsettling due to the way Barry reacted last time they approached him about Ralph. Team Flash didn't want to make a scene. 

They were getting closer and closer, and everyone's nerves were just skyrocketing. They all have talked to Barry before. Why were they so nervous? Just another conversation. Joe and Iris have been talking with Barry for almost 2 decades, but they have no clue how to proceed. Caitlin and Cisco only 4 years, but enough to know Barry well enough. 

Cisco silently reminded himself to probably not talk, the last thing he wanted was to cause another physical fight like last time. But he couldn't not say anything, he'd feel too useless. 

When they arrived, they just stopped outside the building to collect themselves before the thing that they have been dreading (kinda) to do. 

Iris was the first one to walk into the elevator, driven to get through to her husband, Caitlin followed the reporter, then Joe, lastly Cisco hesitantly stepped inside. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yeah I know Oliver, I'm going to leave Star City soon to talk to my friends, I just don't really know to say," Barry began, "I screwed up, big time. I can't make it any better either, do you think you could --" he was suddenly interrupted by the elevator doors opening, to reveal none other than Team Flash themselves. 

Oliver was partly amused by the timing of their arrival, right when Barry was talking about his feelings towards them, they show up. 

"Hey Barry," Iris said with a small yet heartfelt smile. 

"Uh....Iris....hi," Barry awkwardly, still confused with their presence. 

"This is not awkward at all," Felicity announced lightly, trying to spark the conversation. Her and the rest the of Team Arrow slowly started backing around the Team Flash, clearly wanting to give them space. 

"It's so good to see you Bar," Joe smiled, "How have you been?"

"Uhh good, yeah good," Barry answered, avoiding eye contact with Joe. 

"That's good Barry, we missed you. And we wanted to come and talk," Caitlin explained softly. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry for getting you mad enough to punch me, which hurt by the way, I didn't mean for things to get so heated, I just wanted to help," sadly stated Cisco, making direct eye contract with the speedster. 

"Thank you for your concern, all of you, but sometimes I need my space. Grief is all to familiar to me, I deal with it differently every time. Sometimes I am more closed off, but that's because I need to be. Having people constantly on you, asking how your feeling, it can get too much," calmly replied Barry "That's why I got so angry, I hate being pushed,"

"You're right Barry, we should've been less on you, but what you were doing was not healthy. Not sleeping, not eating, you could've died going against that meta," Caitlin reverted.

"She's right Bar, no matter how much you are hurting, taking care of yourself should be your number one priority," Iris said

"No it shouldn't! Why should I take care of myself when I hurt other people! Why should deserve to be taken care of! Ronnie, Eddie, my Mom, my Dad, H.R., Earth 2 Joe, Dante, Ralph. All those people died because I failed. That's a lot of people. And the list will keep growing. You guys should go. Don't waste your time on me, you'll probably die because of me too," Barry finished in a huff. Eagerly waiting for them to make their exit, but they still stood there. 

"Barry..." Joe cried out "No matter what you did or thought you did it wasn't your fault,"

"YES IT WAS JOE. THEY ARE ALL DEAD BECAUSE OF ME," Barry yelled, clearly fed up with how this conversation ended up going. 

With that, Iris, and Joe both broke down into tears, Barry's words were hurting them so much, he blamed himself. More than they realized. They could do nothing. 

"Barry we forgave you for every mistake you made, it's time for you to finally forgive yourself," Cisco pleaded. 

"Forgiving myself won't change what I did," Barry whispered under his breath. But it was loud enough for everyone in the room to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this one! It's kind of all over the place. I was gonna end it, but then I thought what the hell, why not make Barry more of a sad mess. I'll try my best to update next week :):):):)


	4. DISCONTINUED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read (not a new chapter)

Hi everyone,  
I am very sorry to say that I will not be continuing this story. I do not have the motivation or ideas to finish. As well I will most likely never write again, so for those asking for new stories, it won’t happen. 

I now have a much deeper appreciation for writers because it is very hard to write good work. I struggled a lot just making the stories that I made, and they were not good quality. Never rush an author on their work because if you have never tried to write, you don’t understand how hard it is to write quickly with quality.

Thank you <3


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